Upside Down

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On January 19, 2017 my world changed forever. There I was, lost, small, helpless and oh so young. I lost my mom to sudden sickness, and since then, I've never been the same. 

Hi, my name is Bella Levy and I think I'm depressed. There are days when I think, 'what is life?' and there are days when I'm ready and pumped to do something new. I've never resonated with motivational speakers because they are never real. What I feel right now is real. 

I've always felt deep down that I want to live a full, flourishing and exciting life: travel the world, meet tons of new people, fall in love, dance on the moon, learn new languages, laugh, swim with sharks (that's a bit excessive seeing that I can't even swim), go on exotic adventures with my best friend, climb a mountain, go on a yacht and..... you get the gist. But I barely made it through high school and I'm not talking academically, even though my academics did take a deep dive.  I mean, emotionally, mentally, physically and psychologically. The majority of my friendships at that time became distant and cold. I became callous and unmotivated (or is it demotivated?) and life was just not it anymore. 

There I was in the middle of an identity crisis at age 15. They buried my dreams and hopes along with my mother and I did not know what I wanted to do with my life, or even if I wanted a life to do something with. Because exactly what on earth was the point? But looking back, I must say thank you to my friends who stuck around when I was spiralling in the absolute worst ways. You all deserve a trophy.

You wanna know what's funny? Here, I'll tell you. Even though I was in this depressive hole because my mom died and I felt hopeless, I had refused to believe that she was dead. The implications of that phase were many: I did not grieve, I kept pretending like I was in a dream, I held on to the hope that this was not real and I swept her death under the rug because why the hell not? This was totally not happening, right? Wrong. 

You know that TikTok sound by @weasleytwinsofficial that goes: "This is the best idea I've ever had..... This is the worst idea you've ever had"? That was me, lol. 

To be continued.......................


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