Sad Szn

Hello there Beauties! 

It's the holidays!!!!!!!! Happy holidays (if you celebrate them)! It's the most beautiful time of the year, but if you're like me, it's also "sad szn." Honestly, the holidays are very bittersweet for me: sweet because it’s undoubtedly my most favourite time of year, and bitter because it’s my most favourite time of year and I don’t get to spend it with my mom. 

Grief is a strange thing. It’s definitely not linear, and it’s very subjective (it varies from person to person). 95% of the time I can convince myself that this is just a weirdly specific fever dream, but around Christmas, life as I know it currently becomes very real, and very hard to avoid. Truth is, my mom also loved Christmas, and we had cheesy traditions like shopping on “grandmarket” day (Christmas Eve), church on Christmas morning, and cooking and baking up a storm on Christmas Day. The first couple of years after she died I mentally clocked out around Christmas time, and refused to get out of bed, but now, I try to at least get up and honour at least some of our traditions. 

If I’m being honest, this has been really hard. Besides cooking for my family (because let’s face it, I’m a really good cook who learnt from the best: i.e. my mama) I barely get out of bed, because sometimes I physically can’t. It’s very noticeable that my mom’s not around and I really really miss her. So, here I am, trying my hardest to look and feel alive, get out of bed, and try to enjoy the holidays sans the guilt. I’m stuck between “I miss you so much” and “why do I get to enjoy stupid things and you’re literally dead?” It’s a very difficult place to be in mentally. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy. I’m literally just a girl who’s trying to survive out here and I need my mama. Damn. 

I’m sending love to everyone experiencing their “sad szn.” You’re not alone babe. You got this. Happy holidays. ❤️

P.S. look out for my next blog post for five tips to get you through the season. 

 QOTD: What are your cheesy holiday traditions?