Grief is not Linear…..

Hello there Beauties!

I hope you all had a good week. For me, this week was okay. I had a long overdue phone call with my group chat (big up my two jinbang fren dem) and I got a whole lotta work done. It’s been a while since I’ve had a productive week, and so this week I’m grateful. 

This week’s blog post will be a little deeper than usual as I will reference my grief. Buckle up… or not. 

Growing up, I had quite a few brushes with grief. I lost my grandmother when I was young (I don’t even remember the year), I lost a couple cousins (second and third), and when I was a teenager, I lost one of my stepbrothers (my mother’s other kids’ paternal brother — lol keep up). Losing him was the closest brush with heartbreaking grief that I experienced before my mom died. It was such a tough time for my family, and it wrecked me. Alas, even so, I moved on after a while. I cried, I grieved, I sat through the pain, I healed, and I moved on. Pretty linear, right? I think so. 

Based on watching others around me, the grief process looked a lot like this: you cry, you scream, you bawl. Then, you mourn. You bury the person or watch them get buried. You mourn. You start healing. You heal. You move on. It seemed kinda like breaking a bone (not me referencing something I’ve never experienced). It hurts. It heals. You get better. You live with it. 

Oh how I wish. 

Everything in life has its processes, its levels, its limits, its cycles, its timelines, its steps, or its courses of action. I thought grief was no different: one foot in front of the other and eventually you get to your destination. Whether it took days, weeks, months, or even years, you heal, right? You move on. You continue to live your life. 

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong. 

Boy was I WRONG. 

First off, when my mom died I did not even do the first thing: cry. Sure I shed tears because everyone in the room was crying. Did I go home and scream into a pillow like the movies? No! I went home and did my homework like usual. The next morning, I woke up in time to get ready for school and my siblings said I didn’t have to go. Soooo, I stayed home and cried? No. I watched African movies all day, lounged around, and ate. Everything was going wrongly. Nothing was going according to plan. 

However, as the months went on, I noticed all the changes in me: in my attitude, in my comportment, in my demeanor, in my actions, etc. I completely changed. I lost friends during this time. People didn’t understand me, hell I didn’t understand myself. Everyone was rushing the process along, like girl move on already. 

If you talk to me for longer than five minutes you know that I’m still struggling and hurting EIGHT YEARS LATER. It hasn’t gotten any better. I still haven’t cried. I still don’t see how I can heal. 

Grief is not linear. Please don’t give yourself or your loved ones a timeline. Please give yourself and others grace. Please do what feels right to you and for you. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you because no one should be dictating how long your wounds hurt. Anyone who doesn’t understand that, it’s okay to let them go. Healing is not a destination, it’s not the destination. Find hope in the chaos, and whatever that looks like, do it. Find ways to breathe again. 

As Dory said, “Just keep swimming.” Also, this little prayer is very helpful: “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

QOTD: Do you give yourself enough grace to go through the motions as needed? 

Love from all ends, 

Bella.