Dear Diary, What's Up?

Hello there Beauties!

It’s been too long. I’ve been in crisis. Life has been overwhelming, and I took time to recuperate. 

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering which direction to take this blog in. It started as an ‘in’ into my thoughts: all the less-than-favourable or controversial opinions I had, especially about grief. I started writing it because I’ve always written, and it was a digital diary more or less. It was also an easy way to share thoughts that I didn’t want to share with others in fear of being too much or too toxic. All the breaks I’ve taken were due to my lack of consistency and, more recently, not having much to say. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and what I want out of it. I’ve always said my biggest fear is mediocrity, but in the same breath, I’m not doing anything particularly important or spectacular. I’ve spent the past few months thinking about the future, my ambitions (or lack thereof), and essentially, what the actual heck am I doing with my life?

Truth be told, I have a lot of dreams. Despite life being overwhelmingly exhausting, I’m still very ambitious. My biggest issue is my lack of motivation (because all this just to die) and, really, my lack of resources. It’s been so hard since I hit 25 because at this juncture, this quarter century, there’s so much pressure to be doing more. Honestly, even though it’s societal pressure mostly, it’s also internal pressure. Suddenly I’m faced with an existential crisis: what am I really doing with my life? 

By now I thought that I would’ve at least had a plan for my future. Every time I talk to people, the question, “So what are you doing now?” always surfaces, and I always don’t have a straight answer because I truly don’t know. I’m doing my best. I’m trying. It’s enough to make me want to either throw up or disappear. Also, the job market is terrible if you don’t have connections or “links,” and I don’t have either. It’s a constant battle to remind myself that I’m starting outside the stadium, trying to get in, so I can’t compare myself to people who are being handed over batons on the track. It’s hard. 

Regardless, we keep going. We keep at it. We keep trying. We move. We trust. We get up. We continue. Life is rough and tough right now, but mi rougher and tougher. 

Once again, I’m on an adventure. I packed a suitcase and left Jamaica to be a language assistant again. This time, I’m in the Caribbean archipelago of Guadeloupe. I’m on a little island called Marie-Galante. It’s been a little over a week since I arrived, and so far it’s okay. It’s very hot here, and there isn’t really any breeze even though we’re right by the sea. 

I’ll do my best to share my experience on TikTok and YouTube, so if you want, you can follow along. Honestly, my beauties, I’m in dire need of my safe space again. It’s been too long. 

Love from all ends, 

Avec des gros bisous de la région française Guadeloupe, 

Bella