Lost Love.

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 Hello there Beauties!


Grief: love lost that now hurts. Well, that’s what it is to me at least. 


I often times sit and read about grief and how to deal with it: tips, advice, testimonials etc etc. But I doubt I’ve ever read anything that keeps it as real as it gets. A couple of years ago, I lost my mom. I was 15, shattered, hopeless and heartbroken. In those moments, I remember writing a lot of letters to her (which I will later share more of) and two things stood out most: 1. The question “Why?” and 2. The statement “I want to die.” Funnily enough,  five years and a couple of months later, I’m still plagued with both thoughts. I’ve tried not to think about it too much because it’s scary to think about. 


Sometimes, I catch myself crying and I force myself to stop. I stop because certain thoughts are too hard to think about and certain feelings are too hard to feel. I’ve been drowning for years in the lies that “It will be okay” and “Things get better with time.” I want people to understand that it is hard, that’s the cold truth. It won’t be sunshine and rainbows over time. It won’t get better by just believing that it will. For years, I’ve pretended that there is no way on earth this could be real. I pretended for two reasons: 1. I know I’m not mentally prepared to deal with it. And 2. There are a lot of things that I cannot accept. Call it denial if you must. I want you to know that if you are out there, holding back tears and pretending that you’re fine, you are not alone. I don’t know if that’s reason enough for you to keep trying, but know that I am here with you. 


I sat long and hard last night and into the wee hours of this morning thinking to myself, what would life be like without all this? I thought long and hard and came up with nothing. The point of all this is, life is very unpredictable. Stuff happens that we have no control over and often times, we least expect it. The goal is to believe, not that everything will eventually be okay after all the ruins, but that is not entirely true. Maybe it does get better for some, but maybe not. Hold on to the hope that IT may not get better, but YOU will.


Stay tuned for more. 


Thank you all for reading my purest thoughts. Stay tuned for more.

And if you happen to read this, answer this question:

QOTD:  What is the title of your most favourite book? Mine is currently Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.


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