Grief and Healing
Hello there Beauties!
Grief: love lost that now hurts. Well, that’s what it is to me at least.
I often sit and read about grief and how to deal with it: tips, advice, testimonials, etc. But I doubt I’ve ever read anything that keeps it as real as it gets. A couple of years ago, I lost my mom. I was 15, shattered, hopeless and heartbroken. In those moments, I remember writing a lot of letters to her and two things stood out most: 1. The question “Why?” and 2. The statement “I want to die.” Funnily enough, six years and a couple of months later, I’m still plagued with both thoughts. I’ve tried not to think about it too much because it’s scary to think about. Sometimes, I catch myself crying and I force myself to stop. I stop because certain thoughts are too hard to think about and certain feelings are too hard to feel. I’ve been drowning for years in the lies that “It will be okay” and “Things get better with time.” I want people to understand that it is hard, that’s the cold truth. It won’t be sunshine and rainbows over time. It won’t get better by just believing that it will. For years, I’ve pretended that there is no way on earth this could be real. I pretended for two reasons: 1. I know I’m not mentally prepared to deal with it. And 2. There are a lot of things that I cannot accept. Call it denial if you must. I want you to know that if you are out there, holding back tears and pretending that you’re fine, you are not alone. I don’t know if that’s reason enough for you to keep trying but know that I am here with you.
The road to healing is never a straight one. There are twists, turns, ups and downs. I remember thinking about healing and how it completely threw me off guard. It is often misconstrued (I, too, am guilty) because nobody ever tells you where it starts. How does it start? Why? What constitutes healing and how do we get there?
I honestly thought that healing could just be a physical thing. Because, in truth and in fact, one normally heals after being wounded. Truth be told, I was originally of the notion that wounds are entirely physical. Now, after I’ve experienced loss, great loss, I’ve been wounded physically, as well as emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. So now, my definition of healing is simply this: “being comfortable with feeling better.”
Life after loss is weird. You think you’re coping well and you are at least okay but suddenly, you feel a sharp pain in your chest. Suddenly, you feel the urge to burst into tears. Suddenly, your life is falling apart and you can’t catch it. Picture it. You. Your loved ones. Memories. One minute you’re happy and laughing and living in the moment. And then, the next, you’re thinking “Where have I gone wrong?” “Where did I go wrong?” “Where am I going wrong?” And you just want to curl up into a ball and die. Because nothing feels right and you make everybody hate you and you can’t seem to get anything right.
If you feel like this, know that you do not have to have it all figured out. Healing is never linear. Keep going.
QOTD: How do you cope with big feelings?
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