Life Update?

-

 Hello there Beauties!

I suck at staying consistent writing here because life has been kicking my ass in the worst way. I am at a point in my life between a rock and a hard place. I am not passionate about the career path that I have chosen. Yes, I am passionate about Les Langues Modernes (Modern Languages), but teaching and the college I was in is suffocating. When I first started feeling like I wanted to quit (a couple of months ago) it felt like a whisp of rash decisions and overreaction. I truly was not happy; I was overwhelmed, depressed, irritable and feeling complacent. Then, over the summer months, this thought was like a seed that grew and grew until it became an irrefutable decision in my mind. It became a solid thought and I was scared for many reasons: 

1) I was about to go into my third (junior) year and it would be stupid to quit now.

2) I had no money, what was I going to do?

3) I did not want to go back to that place, but wouldn't going back be easier than sitting at home wasting my life away?

4) What would people say?

5) What would I do instead? 

6) Am I stupid for wanting this?

But, thinking about it, I really don't care what people say. This is my life and I am free to waste it however I want because it's my money that's paid for this degree so far, and if it comes to it, it's my time that would've been wasted anyway. At the end of the day, this is my mental health we're talking about; my personal peace and sanity. Plus, I do believe all the children I would have encountered on practicum deserve way better than a competent teacher who is not passionate, depressed, and complacent. "Madame/Senorita, why did you start teaching?" Oh, I was too scared to quit and I did not have anything better to do. That is truly pathetic. After all, I do not want to become like my lecturers and all those unhappy adults around me who obviously hate their lives. I want to do something I am passionate about. I don't want to wake up every day hating my life and wallowing in bitterness. 

It was a bittersweet decision to make. I truly made a lot of beautiful connections that I will forever treasure. I have learnt a lot and I know that this time was not wasted. As for now, I do feel very sad because I was supposed to be boarding a plane to France today with my class mate and that obviously fell through the cracks. I am trying to trust in the fact that God has a plan for me and that it will come to fruition. Y'all please pray for me while I embark on a totally new journey of "I don't know what the hell I am doing but I am doing life in the mean time." I will try to post at least twice a week.

What will I do next? I have no idea. As a broke girl, my only true option is to find work. I'll let y'all know how it goes. 

QOTD:  What are your biggest fears?




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Upside Down

-
On January 19, 2017 my world changed forever.  There I was, lost, small, helpless and oh so young. I lost my mom to sudden sickness, and since then, I've never been the same.  Hi, my name is Bella Levy and I think I'm depressed. There are days when I think, 'what is life?' and there are days when I'm ready and pumped to do something new. I've never resonated with motivational speake rs because they are never real. What I feel right now is real.  I've always felt deep down that I want to live a full, flourishing and exciting life: travel the world, meet tons of new people, fall in love, dance on the moon, learn new languages, laugh, swim with sharks (that's a bit excessive seeing that I can't even swim), go on exotic adventures with my best friend, climb a mountain, go on a yacht and..... you get the gist. But I barely made it through high school and I'm not talking academically, even though my academics did take a deep dive.  I mean, emotionally...
Read more

Live Life For You!

-
Hello there Beauties!  I think we should all aim to be self-aware in 2026. They often say that comparison is the thief of joy, but it is much, much deeper than that. During the Christmas/New Year holiday, a popular Jamaican social media influencer was allegedly arrested by the Federal Bureau of Investigation in the United States of America. Why he was arrested, I don’t know because I don’t care to know the details (largely because it’s not my business). The responses to this and about this on Jamaican social media has been….. strange (for lack of a better word). The lack of empathy towards the situation has been quite concerning. People are saying if he was committing crimes to be able to live a certain lifestyle, then he deserves it, and other things along that line. What stood out most to me though, is that there were people saying these influencers show a fake life on social media that discourages the 9-5 lifestyle, meanwhile their own life that they’re showing is unattainable. ...
Read more

“Hol’ Up Yuh Stress?” No Boss. 🚫

-
Hello there Beauties! “Hol’ up yuh stress!” That’s one of the most toxic statements I’ve ever heard on the internet, besides “weh yah bawl fa? yah b*ttyman?”  Honestly, one of the reasons we have so many mentally unstable Jamaican men is because mothers and fathers are not raising emotionally stable men. Jamaican men are so toxic that they associate being aware of and in tune with your emotions with being gay, and that’s the root cause of many of our issues.  At what point did we reduce identifying, acknowledging, validating, feeling, and combatting our emotions to pure femininity? Oh dem inna dem “soft girl era” but when that man loses his mind, you’re complaining?  Let’s think logically here. Don’t you think the world would be so much better if everyone was open to dealing with their emotions?  Men’s Mental Health Month is super important, and it’s a great chance to talk about something that often gets brushed aside. Even though mental health awareness is on the ...
Read more