A Motherless Child….

Hello there Beauties! 

7 years ago tomorrow, I saw my mom alive for the last time. She looked very different, not like my precious Rose, not like herself, not full of life; very resigned. Somehow I knew within myself that she was never gonna come back, and that was the last time I cried. 4 days later when I got the news, the only thing I remember feeling was guilt for not going to see her. That day when I came home to a house full of people, but not the one person I wanted to see, I felt my heart break irreparably. 

“You don’t have to make grief your entire personality” - says someone who doesn’t know what it was like losing my mother (the very bane of my existence) at the tender age of 15. It’s different for everyone, and for me, unfortunately, it became my personality because I became motherless. 

Throwback: Young Beloushii was a super ambitious, relatively happy, optimistic, glass-half-full, God-fearing, destined-for-greatness, run of the mill aspiring little girl with big dreams to change the world. When my mom died on that dreaded Thursday in January, all of those things became back burner thoughts to what people ultimately started treating me as: motherless. I could see it in the way others started walking on eggshells around me, I could feel the difference in the way people started treating me, I could see it in their eyes - the look of pity and sadness, and unfortunately, that’s the way I started to feel and act: like a motherless child; which in fact, I was. 

Because of the doom and gloom that came with my grief, I lost many friends, I lost many hobbies, and ultimately, I lost many of the things that made me me. I had several best friends at the time, and 2 of them basically abandoned me in the time when I most needed stability and reassurance. Looking back, I do not blame them because that was a lot of burden to put on others, but it goes to show that I didn’t choose to make it my personality, it just became my personality because of the circumstances. 

Mind you, it’s different for everyone. There are some whose grief makes them enjoy life and appreciate the moments more, and others whose grief makes them hate life and all it has to offer. There are some whose grief makes them draw closer to God, and some whose grief pulls them further away from Him. Your grief is unique to you, and however it makes you feel is completely valid. It doesn’t matter if others around you don’t understand that. 

QOTD: Have you ever felt alone, even when you were surrounded by everyone you love? Ever since my mom died, I’ve felt so alone; so lonely; so out of touch with myself.