Grief: The Gift that Keeps on Giving
I barely understand my own grief, so I honestly didn’t expect anyone else to understand it. What they don’t tell you is, everyone around you puts a timeline on how long you should be sad. If after a couple months, you’re not back to your usual self, eyebrows are suddenly raised, and that initial “grace period” ends woefully. Everyone is back to normal and they expect that same normalcy from you.
How do I now explain to everyone around me, that my “normal” is now tainted by this feeling of loss, brokenness, and sadness? There’s no way to explain that I will never ever be that version of “normal” before all this happened.
Friday, January 19 marked 7 years since my mom’s death. I find it hard to visit her grave, even on days that I feel like I should. Over the years, it has gotten harder and harder to accept that my mom is no longer here, and I am now a motherless child. I wish it was all a fever dream, but days like these I'm brought back to the harsh reality, and my world falls apart all over again. This anniversary was not too bad though. My baby took me out to lunch and sat with me while I got sick. Even though I ended the night being physically sick, it still felt like a better way to sit with the grief, than to not deal with it at all.
It never gets better; it never gets easier. It does however get easier to manage over time, but for the most part, it's still hard as hell. People are very insensitive and unempathetic, and they will aggressively try and force you to move on. Do not let anyone bully you out of your grieving process: it is yours. Let it take however long or however short you need. Feel all the necessary feelings, and healthily process them - whatever that looks like.
Another thing they don’t tell you about grief is that it doesn’t always just mean sadness and loneliness. It can also manifest itself in physical ways. For example, you suddenly start getting debilitating headaches, random aches and pains, diarrhoea, or even vomiting. I know, I know, this seems far-fetched. But I’ve experienced every single one of these things firsthand. These symptoms were not only for the death of my mom but also any feeling of loss. When my best friend migrated in 2019, I all but fainted the day after she left. I mean, I had a terrible headache, I was throwing up, and I felt very heartbroken. It’s never a great feeling. She and I still talk every day, but it still feels like a significant loss. Shout out to my babes though, I love you girl.
I say this all to say it doesn't get better with time. It helps to talk about and cope however you can (healthily), and even if no one understands you, try to understand yourself. You are not alone.
❤️
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