New Year... Same old feelings

Hello there Beauties! 

Even though the new year is generally a time of new beginnings, dreams, and hopes, my new year comes with something much different. It comes with a feeling of loss, sadness, and grief so deep I lose myself in it. 

When my mom died, the grief felt very personal to me; it felt like I was alone in it. Even though I had siblings who had also lost their mom, nieces and nephews who had also lost their grandmother, aunts and uncles who had also lost their big sister, cousins who had lost their aunts, and other relatives and well-wishers who had lost their dear relative and friend, I still felt very alone in my grief. It felt like it was only happening to me. 

I felt like my world was closing in and I couldn’t come up for air. In the first few months, I felt the grief chipping away at little things, for example, how I felt about certain things. That’s it, just feelings. Then, gradually, I began to feel different; my mindset, my optimism, my perspective, and my outlook on life started changing. Grief started chipping away at my personality. Now that it’s been 7 years, grief has started chipping away at my health (physical, mental, emotional). I can feel it in the way I instantly want to vomit around Mother’s Day, or when I have bouts of insomnia in December and January (Sad Szn) and bouts of hypersomnia in February and March (recovery months). I’ve also seen where my weight fluctuates, and how much of a cryer I’ve become (even though I’ve never cried for her). 

Grief is a journey. There are times when I wish it wasn’t a club I’m a part of, there are times when I want to get mad at the world for moving on, there are times when I wanna punch the insensitivity out of people’s mouths (cause what do you mean you couldn’t survive without your mom? Hello?), and there are times when I forget that I’m grieving. Then grief invites her cousin guilt and they both attack me at once. It’s not linear, it’s not a bed of roses, and even though it’s something we may all have to go through at different stages in our lives, it’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy. 

QOTD: Has grief changed your life, and how? I have become such a pessimist and a Debbie Downer.