Rewiring My Mind: Part Five - Self-Talk

Hello there Beauties! 

I am on a journey to change my thoughts to become a fully functioning adult. With that, I am doing deep reflections on certain aspects of my life that contribute to how my mind works (now - very poorly), and discovering ways to fix/improve those areas. This week I am deep-diving into how I speak to or about myself.

How you talk to yourself and about yourself is very important. Treating yourself with grace and kindness lays a foundation for how you expect people to treat you, your response to that treatment, and the behaviour/treatment you are willing/unwilling to allow. Look at it like this: if you would not speak to someone a certain way, you wouldn't expect them to speak to you that way, and furthermore, you wouldn't accept them speaking to you like that either. That is a clear boundary. It leads to an improvement in your self-worth, your standards, and your ability to create and enforce your boundaries. 

 For years I’ve struggled with talking to myself kindly. “Bella, why you always a do dat?”, “Bella, why you so stupid”, “Geezam Bells sometimes you nuff enuh”, “Bella you dunce enuh”, “Mighty goodness Bella, you nuh know how fi do anything”, “Bella, use your brain nuh”, "Girl what are you even doing?", "I feel like such an idiot", "I don't even know what I am doing", etc.... I could go on and on. These are some of my thoughts/ conversations with myself daily. Sometimes it is even more extreme and dramatic in response to a fixable mistake.  I stepped back when I realized I would never say things like that to another living breathing person. In response to someone else’s situation, I wouldn’t talk to them that way about a mistake. Even in anger, I don't speak down to others, so I could not understand why that was my first response towards myself. 

As I have discovered this week, the simple fix is this: 

• Dig into why you do it -- What encourages this behaviour? When/How did it start?  
• I hold myself to such a high standard that I don't allow her to mess up. It is coming from a childhood of overachieving and always striving towards perfection. It comes from a place of low self-worth, and not accepting that I deserve grace just as anybody else. It comes from wanting to be good enough, and worthy of love from my father. Finally, it comes from wanting outside validation, and others' approval so bad, that I would do/accept anything (this also contributes to why my primary love language is words of affirmation). 

• Discover your triggers -- What happens directly before this occurs? What are the circumstances that lead to this outcome? 
• This happens whenever I make even the simplest of mistakes, or when situations do not go exactly as I anticipated or planned. This also stems from my overachieving childhood; the goal was always perfection, and anything outside of that was not good enough.

• Re-route the negative thoughts as they come every single time -- Do not let up, even when you feel like you deserve the backlash
• The minute I start to berate myself I shut it downnnn, no matter the situation. Sometimes I do deserve a negative response, but I think of how I would talk to my precious Dim, and I re-route that into the gentlest response I can muster. It is hard, but I believe in the outcome I desire.
• Practice positivity -- Kindness, gentleness, grace, patience, and love
• Start from a place of kindness -- "You are doing your best"
• Branch out into gentleness -- "Try again", "Failure is not final", "No is just another opportunity to try again" 
• Lead with grace -- "It is okay love, you are not perfect."
• Continue with love -- "You are loved, you are deserving, you are determined."

This has been a game-changer. Mind you, it has NOT been easy in the slightest. I am still practicing, and I still haven't gotten the hang of it, but it is working so far. Hope is the belief that something good will happen, so I hope I can be consistent, and that this will produce the desired outcome. 

QOTD: What are some of your affirmations? I tell myself that I am doing my best, I am loved, and I can do anything.