Rewiring My Mind: Part Three - Self-Sabotage

Hello there Beauties! 

I’m on a journey to reshape the way I think, so I can be a full-functioning adult. As I’ve said before, I’m reading this book called The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest, and I’m stuck on the first chapter. She spoke about self-sabotage, and it got me doing a whole deep dive. 

Self-sabotage, in my opinion, comes from a lack of hope. I find that when I self-sabotage, it’s to prevent me from feeling disappointed; whether in myself, the situation, the unknown, or the outcome. Self-sabotage manifests itself in so many different ways, even in my own experience, but this form is what gets me the most. 

Hope is the belief that something good will happen. By being hopeful, one expects a good/favourable outcome. If at the end of the day the outcome isn’t what I expected, it breeds disappointment, and that disappointment morphs into self-sabotage, which prevents me from feeling hopeful. Does that make sense? So, in short, expectations for a good outcome | disappointment | lack of hope | self-sabotage. 

Let’s get into it. I thought back to a moment, or the moment when I first started self-sabotaging. It took me back to January 15, 2017. I may have had moments before that, but that is the moment I remember being a life-changing moment, but not for the better. I feel like that was the beginning of so many of my personal issues with my faith, with myself, and with the person I am now. 

It was a Sunday, and it would’ve been a normal day, except my mom was in the hospital because she had just suffered a stroke. I was trusting God, I was hoping and praying for a good outcome, and I was believing with all my heart that everything would work out for my good. To make an incredibly long and painful story short, when I saw my mom, she was connected to every machine possible that would’ve essentially been keeping her alive. I knew deep down that I’d never see her alive again, and that thought festered. Later on, a schoolmate who saw me that day recounted that I had my hand on my head, I fell to my knees and I screamed like somebody had just died, and it was very heartbreaking to watch. 

Since then, I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been a pessimist. It’s hard to believe that something good will happen and watch it fall to pieces before my eyes. I’ve gotten better at being hopeful, but limiting my expectations. Because of that, I tend to not put myself in situations where I believe the outcome is out of my league, or it is unlikely that it will turn out in my favour. It’s an uphill battle of never-ending self-doubt, low self-esteem, and self-sabotage. As I said before, I’m my biggest critic. 

Moving forward, I’m trying to encourage myself to go for it, because you really miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, regardless of the outcome. I’m learning to put myself out there, believing that what’s for me will come. I’m really learning to trust the process. 

QOTD: What are some ways self-sabotage shows up in your life, and how do you curb it?  I try my best to kill the thought that I’m not good enough before it has time to fester.