A for Accountability

Hello there Beauties! 

I owe it to myself to say just how disappointed I am that I missed two whole Sunday posts in May after promising that I’d post once a week on Sundays. To be completely transparent, I have had a lot going on personally, and writing has been hard. I’ve always chalked up failed promises like this to being inconsistent, but that was not the case. 

Sunday, May 12 was Mother’s Day, and as you know, I lost my mom years ago. Grief isn’t linear, and some days, it’s a light trickle of rain, while others bring lightning and thunderstorms. This year, Mother’s Day brought a plethora of emotions my silly fragile heart failed to handle well, and so I blanched in bed and simmered in anger. Because I’ve grown accustomed to invalidating how I feel, and putting my grief on a back burner, I always acquiesced and presented a happy demeanour. Fortunately for me, this year my feelings demanded to be felt and not pushed aside, and so I did just that. Unfortunately, that meant no blog post. I apologise. 

As it concerns last week, I can definitely blame that on inconsistency, but not entirely. It’s kinda like this: I fell off one week and it was hard to get back on, but also, I didn’t know what to write. I’ve never considered myself a writer, because am I really a writer if nobody is reading what I have to say? But words hold a special place in my heart, as they’ve provided solace and escape whenever tears did not work. Fun fact, I write poetry as well, but I haven’t put pen to paper (or otherwise) in just over 4 months. Words have been failing me because they no longer work as well as they used to. 

If I’m continuing on the train of honesty and transparency, this is one of the best things that could ever happen to me. While it may sound crazy, I’ve always hidden behind my writing, and refused to sit with my feelings. I’ll admit that since my mom died, I’ve cried twice about her death. Once when I heard, and another about 6 months later when it became apparent that it was real. Following both those crying incidents, I put on my rose-coloured glasses and convinced myself that this was an alternate universe, and could not be real. 

I am now on a path that requires me to sit with all these pent-up feelings and unresolved grief, and it is HARD. Quite frankly, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. This takes us on a whole new journey together, I am still “Re-Wiring My Mind”, but I am also navigating the world of “Being Motherless in my 20s.” Don’t be surprised if I change that whole name, but for now it captures the essence of my life. 

An accountability point to self: the next few weeks will be super busy, but I’m committing to blog posts weekly, whether on Sundays or otherwise. I will continue the Re-wiring my Mind series, and I will start this new one. 

Also, to whoever reads this, I’m so sorry for this long rant. I am quite the talker, I fear. Thank you for reading. 

 QOTD: What are some of the ways you recharge?