Dear Diary, FML.

-
Hello there Beauties!

Whenever this week rolls around each year, I’m always filled with the kind of dread that feels like it could kill you but it doesn’t. I always have thoughts in my head that I wanna write, that I wanna get out, but this past week, I haven’t had much to say or think about anything. 


As unconventional and unhealthy as it is, since my mother passed I have pretended that it wasn’t real. With that as a mental resolve, many people have commended my “strength” and my “resilience” because this is something they could never handle themselves. That’s cool and all, but this quote I saw on Instagram sums it up best: “Just because I carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.” Boy it has been heavy walking around with a ghost from eight years ago who I’ve pretended is not a ghost but really is a ghost. In a really toxic way, I pretend my mom is just gone, and not gone just so I can get through life without having a mental breakdown. Who wants to maniacally crash out? Not me. So, it works. 


Anyway, when it comes on to this past week and today (the dreaded death anniversary), it’s so much harder to ignore because today exists in my mind. It’s real. It happened. I can’t stop that, I can’t change that, and heaven knows I can’t deal. On top of it all, I still have to be an adult and cook, and clean, and go to work, and take care of myself, and practice good hygiene, and eat, and live. This is exhausting. I can’t deal man. It gets to a point where it’s way too much and I’m way too weak to even deal with myself right now. 


I told myself I would go to therapy this year because one of my personal goals/projects requires me to be sane (or at least have some semblance) of sanity. However, things just keep coming up that require money (cause I’m an adult apparently, and that’s all adulthood is), and I cannot find it more important than anything else to set money aside to go fix my mind. Plus, why is therapy so expensive? Like, I literally didn’t ask to be this messed up. 


Nonetheless, I’m a mess parading as an okay person because that’s what life is. Time keeps going. The world keeps spinning. People move on with their lives. The sun still rises in the east and sets in the west everyday (if that’s how it really goes). Just like that we are in a whole new year, and I’m still a scared little girl stuck in 2017 with no hope of ever moving on. 


As the young people say, FML. 


No questions today because life is hard. 


Love from all ends, 

Bella 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Upside Down

-
On January 19, 2017 my world changed forever.  There I was, lost, small, helpless and oh so young. I lost my mom to sudden sickness, and since then, I've never been the same.  Hi, my name is Bella Levy and I think I'm depressed. There are days when I think, 'what is life?' and there are days when I'm ready and pumped to do something new. I've never resonated with motivational speake rs because they are never real. What I feel right now is real.  I've always felt deep down that I want to live a full, flourishing and exciting life: travel the world, meet tons of new people, fall in love, dance on the moon, learn new languages, laugh, swim with sharks (that's a bit excessive seeing that I can't even swim), go on exotic adventures with my best friend, climb a mountain, go on a yacht and..... you get the gist. But I barely made it through high school and I'm not talking academically, even though my academics did take a deep dive.  I mean, emotionally...
Read more

Live Life For You!

-
Hello there Beauties!  I think we should all aim to be self-aware in 2026. They often say that comparison is the thief of joy, but it is much, much deeper than that. During the Christmas/New Year holiday, a popular Jamaican social media influencer was allegedly arrested by the Federal Bureau of Investigation in the United States of America. Why he was arrested, I don’t know because I don’t care to know the details (largely because it’s not my business). The responses to this and about this on Jamaican social media has been….. strange (for lack of a better word). The lack of empathy towards the situation has been quite concerning. People are saying if he was committing crimes to be able to live a certain lifestyle, then he deserves it, and other things along that line. What stood out most to me though, is that there were people saying these influencers show a fake life on social media that discourages the 9-5 lifestyle, meanwhile their own life that they’re showing is unattainable. ...
Read more

“Hol’ Up Yuh Stress?” No Boss. 🚫

-
Hello there Beauties! “Hol’ up yuh stress!” That’s one of the most toxic statements I’ve ever heard on the internet, besides “weh yah bawl fa? yah b*ttyman?”  Honestly, one of the reasons we have so many mentally unstable Jamaican men is because mothers and fathers are not raising emotionally stable men. Jamaican men are so toxic that they associate being aware of and in tune with your emotions with being gay, and that’s the root cause of many of our issues.  At what point did we reduce identifying, acknowledging, validating, feeling, and combatting our emotions to pure femininity? Oh dem inna dem “soft girl era” but when that man loses his mind, you’re complaining?  Let’s think logically here. Don’t you think the world would be so much better if everyone was open to dealing with their emotions?  Men’s Mental Health Month is super important, and it’s a great chance to talk about something that often gets brushed aside. Even though mental health awareness is on the ...
Read more