You Deserve Everything........ And Then Some.
I’m tired of shrinking myself to fit into unedifying, unworthy, undeserving spaces. My whole life has been a dimmed version of the person I was meant to be. It started in primary school when I was often told that one is either good at Math or good at English; but there I was — good at both plus Spelling. Many of my classmates thought me to be “hype” like I was the one who gave me my brain. Teachers felt challenged when I asked questions— painting me as know-it-all when I simply wanted to understand. Being head girl, house and club captain, then valedictorian did not help much. Applause was present, but not for me. And so the dimming started.
I always sensed in high school that I didn’t belong. Who even is this nobody from nowhere? My very first report day in high school, the girl who was supposed to be the smartest in the class came second to me. When my mom collected the report, the girl pointed me out to her father. He came, introduced himself and his daughter to my mom, and, in front of me, said to his daughter, “I don’t see what she has that you don’t, don’t make this happen again.” The next semester, it didn’t. I won’t say it’s because she didn’t beat me fair and square, because she did. But she was the only one in the competition, and it was one I knew I’d never win. I would raise my hand in classes and teachers would say, “somebody else please try.” While that probably wasn’t as deep as I made it, it still meant ‘anyone else but you.’ And so the dimming continued.
Then I went to college, where I think I shrunk the most. There, I was too loud, too smart, too defiant, too opinionated, too demanding, too me. My lecturers thought I was too much, and my classmates thought I didn’t work as hard as them, but still got the same grades. I did well, and I didn’t work for it; I didn’t do well (according to my standards) and I’ll get over it because it’s just one grade. I valued education more than professionalism and I was a ringleader for it. And so I shrunk, and shrunk, and shrunk, and shrunk.
In July of 2019, I was at a conference in Montego Bay where Dr. Terri-Karelle Johnson was the keynote speaker. She spoke about dimming oneself in order to let other people shine. That resonated with me, because I was always putting myself in boxes to not be as much as I am, and so other people would not feel uncomfortable. It was rooted not in the fact that I didn’t want others to shine, but rather the fact that I didn’t think I deserved to shine.
This year is now personal for me. I deserve everything.... and then some. It's been way too long.
QOTD: In which ways can you live your life out loud this week?
Love from all ends,
Bella
Comments
Post a Comment