Rewiring My Mind: Part Fourteen - I’m My Biggest Enemy
How about you take a chance on yourself, Beloushii?
I think I’ve mentioned before that growing up I used to spell, read, and competitively. Not to toot my own horn, but I was a smart kid. However, I was never one to do anything that would publicize that information. Thanks to my mom though, I regular competed in spelling, reading, writing, and sometimes even mathematics events. My mother, the supportive woman that she was, was there at every event to calm me down before starting. I always felt so crippling nervous; so nervous that I couldn’t eat or drink anything. This feeling, in my adult years, I’ve recognized as anxiety.
As a direct casualty of my plethora of issues that I’ve discussed in this series, I’ve lived my life very simply: stay in the background. I mean, I had anxiety, self-doubt, low self-esteem, overthinking, fear of being too much (this might be my next deep dive), etc. going against me, who was I to try to defeat all that at once? Also, nobody likes a smart woman, and I’ve proven this as a fact. Men feel intimidated, and other women feel threatened. This might not be everyone’s story, but it has been mine my whole life. And so, I shrunk.
I told myself I couldn’t do a lot of things because 1) I didn’t want to draw unnecessary attention to myself, and 2) My anxiety told me I simply couldn’t. When I was about 6 years old, I wrote to Aunt Suzie (a fictional character that had a column in the Observer’s Children’s Own newspaper) and I told her that I either wanted to be a teacher, or a pilot. Fast forward to me in fifth form doing the oral aspect of my English Language and Literature SBA, hyperventilating, and literally crashing out. There I was thinking, if I can’t “perform” in front of 40 other students, how the hell will I fly a plane? And so that dream died.
Then, I went on to a Teachers’ College, which in hindsight, I should’ve finished, but I digress. When it was time for my year two practicum (which I killed btw, ask my students at JC), I spent those two weeks not eating before my first class of the day in fear of throwing up. So, even if my first class was at 11 am, I couldn’t eat until after that first class. My mind told me that I wasn’t good enough to be teaching anyone.
As usual, let me get to point. I want this year to be the year when I take a chance on myself despite what my issues with myself and my mind tell me. Half of it manifests because I think it into being. Now, I’m not saying that by just believing in myself I’ll get rid of the anxiety issues I have. No no no, I know it doesn’t work like that. I’m just saying that by believing in myself, I will push myself further beyond my wildest thoughts.
Food for thought
Sometimes your biggest enemy is you. You are the one holding yourself back. You are the one not giving yourself room to grow. You are the one putting yourself in a box. You are the one threatened by your potential. You are the one who doubts your ability. You are the one betting against yourself. It’s all you.
Because let’s be real, if I think I can do it, how does Pam telling me I can’t affect the outcome of my actions? Truly, who on earth is Pam? Why should what Pam thinks affect how I live my life? Is Pam going to help me either reap the rewards or suffer the consequences? Exactly. Respectfully, get lost, Pam.
(I’m so sorry if your name is Pam, this is not an attack).
Even more food for thought
At the end of the decision you’re scared to make lies two choices: a lesson, and a win. You either win and reap the rewards, or you don’t, and learn the lessons. Either way, you get something. Simply put, go do that thing.
QOTD: If you knew you couldn’t fail at whatever you do, how would that change your outlook on life?
Love from all ends,
Bella
Comments
Post a Comment