Twelve-Step Program

Hello there Beauties!

I had many moments this week where I felt like "someone who thinks all the time." I honestly love how my mind works sometimes. For this week's post, I want to do a spin on the famous Twelve-Step Alcoholics Anonymous Program. I know this might seem a little bit crazy, but follow me, lol. 

Let's get right into it. 

For everyone who does not know, the 12-step program is a type of therapy that offers clients a series of twelve explicit steps towards addiction recovery.  These phases are designed to achieve a complete transformation, beginning with acceptance and progressing to restoring your connection with others (12 Step Programme | Twelve Steps to Recovery | UKAT, 2025). 

In other words, it is a step-by-step guide to recovery and sobriety (as it is most popularly used in situations involving alcoholism or drug use). 

However, since I have no experience with drug or alcohol abuse (kudos to all the people facing these issues, I see you and I am proud of you), I wanted to sort of tweak these steps to fit grief. I know it sounds crazy-ish, but walk with me. I realized in my very first year of grief that the version of you before it no longer exists. I could no longer be the Bella I was because the new version of me was motherless. It did not take long to realize either, because I became the worst version of myself that I had ever been. I lost friends because of it, so I know what I am saying. 

The 12 Steps, as outlined in the original Big Book and presented by Alcoholics Anonymous, include the following (The Twelve Steps | Alcoholics Anonymous, n.d.):

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power, greater than ourselves, could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all the persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to those with an alcohol use disorder and practice these principles in all our affairs.

Now that you get the gist, let's put a grief spin on it. The Twelve-Step Grief Management, as rewritten by Beloushii: 

1. We accept that our lives are forever changed, and the previous version of us is no more. 
2. We believe that life is still ahead of us, and a power greater than ourselves can give us the courage to live it. 
3. We make the decision to not only seek to understand, but to also cope. 
4. We seek to rediscover this new version of ourselves and be patient with it as we continue to learn and navigate through the grief. 
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being how exactly we are feeling, and that we need help to overcome.
6. We are ready to start the grief journey -- however long it takes, however messy it gets, however hard it gets. 
7. We are ready to ask God, family, friends, professionals, and other trusted sources for help. 
8. Make a list of people that we hurt (intentionally or unintentionally) during the hardest stages, and make amends (this may be as simple as an apology with accountability). 
9. Be compassionate with ourselves in the process; in each stage/season, give yourself grace to continue. 
10. Continuing to admit when we need help. 
11. Through prayer, meditation, or journalling (or whichever healthy outlet feels most comfortable), we document and acknowledge our feelings and reflect. 
12. Continue to continue. Grief is not linear. It comes in waves. Be patient with and kind to yourself in each season. Remember it is okay to cry. 

To be quite honest, I am still stuck at step one. I have not yet fully recognized or acknowledged that my mother is not coming back, and so every other step feels hard. However, I am (little by little) preparing my mind for the day when it is no longer a dream, but a reality. Until that day, I continue to give myself grace. I continue to be kind to myself. I continue to accept that I am growing and changing. 

I encourage everyone in this awful place that is grief to hang in there. Just know that someone out there is experiencing this hollow with you. I see you. I love you. I'm proud of you. 

QOTD: Do you think this could work? Why/why not?

Love from all ends, 

Bella

References: 

The Twelve Steps | Alcoholics Anonymous. (n.d.). https://www.aa.org/the-twelve-steps

12 Step programme | Twelve steps to recovery | UKAT. (2025, April 10). UK Addiction Treatment Centres. https://www.ukat.co.uk/rehab-treatment/therapies/12-step-therapy/